It was the morning of the 30th June 2009 and I was waiting to attend my 20 week scan at Northampton General Hospital. I'd been awake since 5am worrying about what would happen. For some reason I had a feeling something was wrong. I'd had this feeling for weeks but when I told my midwife she shrugged it off and after checking the heartbeat told me to stop worrying. So for 4 weeks ago I’d kept telling myself everything was fine even though I knew it wasn’t. We had set off at 7.45am and took a slow drive over to the hospital. We managed to get a car parking space straight away (unusual for that time of day) and we were both very excited. Today was the day we were finding out the sex of our unborn child and Rich couldn't wait. I was nervous - very nervous! We sat down in the waiting room and I remember seeing a sonographer who had scanned me earlier in the pregnancy when I was suffering from ovarian cysts and said to Rich "Oh I hope we get Lucy she was lovely!" Five minutes later Lucy called my name and off we went with smiles on our faces. When we entered the room Lucy asked how I was feeling and I told her about my worries. She said that it was normal to worry and if you didn't that usually meant something was wrong. She explained what she was going to do and began scanning. I was watching the screen and she kept going back to the same place - the head! She said that she needed a second opinion and left us alone. I turned to Rich and said that there was something wrong with the head. He said that we'd have to wait and see and to stop worrying. Another lady came in and scanned me - she too concentrated on the head. A few minutes (seemed like hours) later we were told we need to go to see the consultant in Pre-Natal Diagnosis. They said that the baby was showing signs of Spina Bifida and Hydrocephalus (often called water on the brain). Lucy showed us what she meant - the head was a lemon shape looking down on it and at the back of the neck there's meant to be a figure 8 shape and instead it was a banana. A nice gentleman (I'd seen him on reception before) led us down to Pre-Natal Diagnosis and told to sit in the waiting room. Couple of minutes later we were ushered into our own private room and told by a lovely midwife named Rachael that they were waiting for the consultant to come down. When we were waiting I just remember Rich saying “You knew didn’t you? You knew that something was wrong.” and all I said was “Yes.” I had known for weeks but everyone kept telling me it was fine. About 15 minutes later my consultant arrived and I was taken through to be scanned. I had a registrar scan me first but he was having trouble getting to the base of the spine due to the position of the baby so my consultant took over. After about 10 minutes scanning and various chit chat between the two men (I didn't understand it – doctors talk) my consultant confirmed our worst fears. We both cried hard and taken back into the private room. We were then asked what we would like to do! We said we didn't really know but we wanted to keep the baby. Then another midwife turned up her name was Jane. She was a bereavement midwife and said that ASBAH (Association for Spina Bifida and Hydrocephalus) would pay for us to have an MRI scan in Sheffield and it would mean we had a better picture of how bad our baby's condition was. So it was decided we'd go to Sheffield. The following Monday we set off for Sheffield hoping we would get some good news. We arrived in the middle of a thunder storm and there was flooding everywhere. I couldn't help feeling this was a bad sign like we shouldn't be there. Once we'd found the hospital we spent about 20 minutes walking around the hospital trying to find the University MRI Department. Once there we were met by a lovely doctor called Mike. He explained what was going to happen and asked if we wanted the results today which we both said yes to straight away. I was told to take of my bra (due to the metal bits on it) and take a seat in the waiting room. We were there about half an hour but then lead into the scanning room. I hated the MRI scan being done. It was really loud and kept making me jump. Baby didn't like it either - it kept trying to kick the board that I had laid across my stomach off! Afterwards I was told to collect my things and wait in the waiting room again. About 20 minutes later we were called back into the little room outside the MRI scanner and met by Mike. He went through the pictures and shows us the extent of her illnesses. Things looked good! He told us that the brain had been unaffected by the pressure from the hydrocephalus and the lesion on the back was about half way down. But he also told us the legs were moving freely meaning no paralysis. We also found out we were expecting a little girl. We went home with smiles on our faces thinking everything would be ok. Our little baby girl would only have a weakness in her legs and be mentally ok. A week later we went to see the consultant at Northampton but he was busy so we saw Rachael again.She told us what Mike had told us and we asked to speak to a neurosurgeon (we had been in contact with ASBAH and they had advised us to do this). She arranged a visit to Oxford (where I would have our baby if we continued the pregnancy) and we were due to go down two days later. On the way down to Oxford our spirits were high and we kept joking that the baby wanted us to travel around the whole of the UK before she came! Once we got there we waited for 2 hours before being seen. When we were seen by a nice lady doctor we were told that the consultant was on holiday and the surgeon needed to see the MRI pictures and not just a report that Sheffield had sent. We left disappointed and told to wait to hear from them on Monday. By Monday lunchtime I'd still not heard from them so I gave them a ring. A lady called Jackie told me she'd pass our case on to Foetal Medicine and that they were waiting for the scan pictures. So I phoned Sheffield to double check the pictures had been sent. They had been posted that morning. I rang Oxford every hour the following day to see if they had received the pictures and finally they had so they arranged to see us on the Friday. I am still annoyed at how long it took to get this appointment especially because I had to do all the running. I was terrified on the Friday but Rich and I had already made our minds up what was going to happen. If it was bad news we'd terminate the pregnancy and if it was good news I'd take it easy from now on. We waited another 2 hours before a lady told us that the consultant and surgeon couldn't meet up until 12.30pm but the surgeon had looked at our scan pictures. So we went for lunch and returned an hour later. After another short wait we were taken down to the scan room. When we got in there we were surprised how many people were there. Not just the consultant and the surgeon but two other doctors as well. The consultant began to scan me and keep saying things like "Wow! That's an awesome picture!" and "These pictures are fantastic!" so like anyone would we got our hopes up! Our baby was going to be ok! Then the dreaded words "Oh would you look at that!" The surgeon the pointed it out and said he'd seen it on the MRI pictures too! After they had there doctor's speak they told us she was almost certainly blind. The pressure on her brain had affected the part of the brain which deals with the eye functions. We were taken into a separate room and also told that the liquid had also built up on her brain since the MRI scan (something we were hoping would not happen). We were told the lesion in her back was higher than they thought and it was bigger than expected. It was one of the more serious cases they had seen this year. So now we had had bad news and had to make a decision. We were left alone for a short while and when they returned we asked them to arrange the feticide (an injection that would enter our little girl's body and stop her heart) and the induction which would be done in Northampton. They said that the feticide could be done on the day but we would have to wait four days instead of two before I'd be able to deliver our baby due to Northampton being booked up until Tuesday. We were told to return in an hour after they'd seen another lady and so we went to tell our parents. Rich's mum and dad had given us a lift and were walking into the building as we came out of the lift. We went outside for some fresh air and I called my mum and then my dad to tell them the news. Everyone was devastated but supportive of our decision. An hour later we returned and a nice midwife came and explained the procedure to us. We were taken into a large room with a bed and scanner at the other end. I was told to lay down on the bed and pull up my top. One of the doctors (that had previously been in the room when I had my scan done) scanned me again to check the baby's position and then wiped some alcoholic solution over my belly. I remember thinking it was really cold but in a weird way felt really relaxing. The doctor then gave me a local anaesthetic which hurt like hell! I think I nearly broke Rich's hand when he did it. Then he inserted another needle and while the nice midwife held the scanner in place the doctor injected our baby's heart. It just felt like someone tugging my belly button. After he had finished we cried - lots! The doctor left and the midwife cleaned my wound (it was just like a blood test mark) and put a plaster on it. We were taken back into the small room we were in before and cried some more. The midwife brought me a cup of tea and explained what happened next. We would have to go to Northampton at 9am on Sunday morning for a hormone tablet. This tablet would loosen my cervix ready for delivery on the Tuesday. So we went home that night and grieved for our baby. I remember getting in the bath and looking at my bump. It had a small round plaster on it just below my belly button. I remembered before when I got a bath how she would kick me hard when the water was too hot or too cold! But this time there was nothing. We both sat and cried that night. Our dream of having a baby had gone. Sunday morning soon came round and after waking at 3am to find Rich had gone I was glad to find him back in bed. He had been round to a friend's house for a couple of drinks and was feeling a little worse for wears! I said I'd go to the hospital alone if he wanted but he insisted he came. We arrived just before 9am and everything was quiet. We were led into a room just next to reception and told to wait for a midwife. It was horrible waiting in there. There was a cot ready for a newborn and signs on the wall about skin to skin contact with your baby and breastfeeding. There was a birthing ball in the corner and everything you need for giving birth. I remember sitting there thinking about how my baby would never be in that cot and how I would never have skin to skin contact. I also hated the midwife for taking so long! Then Rich made me giggle - the alcohol sanitizer that we had used on the way in was making him feel sick! I told him it was his own fault for boozing and for a moment it felt normal. Then we heard a woman screaming and then a baby crying. We knew a baby had been born next door. The next thing I know the midwife arrived and checked my details. She went to get the tablet and some water. I swallowed it and we were warned it could send me into natural labour and she told us to phone the labour ward straight away if I start having contractions. We were told to come back on Tuesday at 9am so we left and I cried all the way home. Monday past with a blur and it was soon Tuesday morning. We left our flat in Daventry and were picked up by my mum who said she’d take us there. I remember feeling numb on the journey there and trying to remember the way that she was going to the hospital because she had taken a different route. We arrived and we were taken to a room at the other end of the labour ward. I remember saying how big the ward was. It was massive and you could easily have been lost for days. We were put in a room called “Snowdrop” which made us smile because we wanted a poem called Little Snowdrop read out at the funeral. There was also a sign on the door saying the TV’s had been donated by a company which my Grandad used to work for in Leeds. That also made us smile. In the room there was a nice big bed with 3 pillows (I had been worrying there wouldn’t be enough pillows), two hospital chairs and a nice big arm chair. There was also a TV and a radio. In the next room there was a fridge, kettle and two camp beds for anyone who wanted to stay. Then there was the bathroom complete with bath (I was expecting a shower). It was a lovely room with no reminders of baby’s i.e. no cots or signs on the walls. The midwife came to see us her name was also Racheal, she took some bloods from me and explained what was going to happen. At 10am I had the first pessary inserted – it was one of the most uncomfortable things I’d ever experienced! By 11am the baby had dropped and I started having contractions. I remember sitting on the toilet saying “I just need a poo!” In fact I didn’t need a poo it was just where the baby was pressing but I still sat there for most of the day. I remember having some paracetamol and what I think was codeine then returning to sit on the toilet. I had been given a bowl to go on the toilet so that if I gave birth the baby wouldn’t go down the toilet. I remember feeling really sick and shouting my mum to get a sick bowl in the meantime Rich passed me a bed pan just in case. Luckily my mum got there in time. I continued to be sick pretty much constantly accept from when Racheal gave me an injection to stop it. I also had been given diamorphine at the same time. The contractions got longer and more painful. I then don’t remember much. I was given gas and air and remember feeling happy before the rest becomes a blur. My temperature had soared and they were trying to bring it down. I’d had an epidural and found out I had a curve in my spine. That had been unsuccessful and I was on a morphine drip. Like I said I don’t remember much only little bits and bobs from this time. The next thing I remember clearly is it being 1 o’clock in the morning and I wanted to push. By this time I had gone through two shift changes and had a nice little black midwife – I wish I could remember her name! She told me to breathe through it and not to push. She told me I was only 3cm dilated and had a while to go yet. Rich told me the day after that he had been sat talking to her for most of the night because I wasn’t making sense – something about the shepherd’s pie being in the oven! At about 1.15am I knew I was ready to give birth – I don’t know how I just knew! So I gave into the urge to push and pushed! In one push I had felt something come out and 5 minutes later the midwife went to get the head midwife. She had never delivered such a small baby. She came back in and told me my baby girl had been born. I already knew – I hadn’t had any more contractions. The head midwife camei n and rolled me over on to my back and everything was delivered in tact – placenta and all! No more pushes were needed. I remember Rich been on the phone to his mum and the head midwife having ago at him. At 1.25am on the 29th July 2009 our beautiful little Chloe was born. She was taken away and an hour later returned dressed in the outfit we had bought for her and in a miniature moses basket. She was perfect. Rich didn’t want to see her at first and she went back to the nursery until the morning. The next morning Rich met his daughter and I told him I wanted to call her Chloe. He agreed and we had her blessed later that day. All of Rich’s family came across to see her but because of Swine Flu restrictions in the hospital they only spent a few minutes with her. I wished we had asked for more. My dad came to pick us up and after we’d said goodbye to Chloe we returned home. I cried all night. Chloe was buried at Welton Road Cemetery in Daventry on 11th August 2009 after a short ceremony. She’s buried with the other still born babies there and we visit her as often as we can. I just want to say a big thank you to Jane who has helped us through this tough time and to the midwives who helped deliver Chloe. Also a big thank you to both of our families who have supported us through this difficult time. We love you Chloe and will always remember you from your Mummy & Daddy xoxox